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Nov. 3rd, 2003 02:56 amYou know, I really think there must be something horribly wrong with me.
Because I have convinced myself, in my heart of hearts, that if I ignore it all, it will all go away. But isn't that one of those lies adults always told you when you were growing up? Like how words don't hurt. Yeah - one of those.
So I was thinking about how society's stupid expectations cause phycosis in otherwise happy people today on the way home from work ... not infrequently, life starts to get to me, what with stress and all...and I feel like breaking down into tears. But I can't. I find myself simply unable to cry, even when I am MISERABLY unhappy, or upset, or even angry. I think the last time I cried, other than while laughing (which really isn't the same thing at all), was two years ago.
Not while in horrible pain, not while so unhappy I left the room....I simply can't seem to cry. Isn't that a shame, since supposedly it's supposed to be all kinds of cathatic due to hormones'n'shit. But that got me thinking. What is it, that we can not cry in public? Why is it more acceptable to scream in anger, or punch a wall, or simply walk out and leave, than to cry? Is it so wrong to admit human frailty?
Why do people see nothing wrong with taking a piss while talking to their insurance company on the phone, but are morally offended by the idea of nudity? Why is it 'okay' to object to a gay bishop, but not a black one? Why is it anti-american to object to countless (except that it isn't countless, thankyou mass-media!) deaths and pain for no good reason at all? Why the fuck would I want to be patriotic in the first place!?
There is so. much. that I simply don't understand. I don't ~get~ the rules to the game of life. I don't want to.
I don't want what I should want. When I should be happiest, I'm...not. I'm not sad exactly, and I don't think I'm depressed...
But it seems like life was more meaningful, more ~real~ before. Like I'm going through life, just making the motions, doing what I have to do. I want to do something, I want to be...something. Have I done anything lately that I'm actually proud or excited about?
Is there something wrong with me?
Because I have convinced myself, in my heart of hearts, that if I ignore it all, it will all go away. But isn't that one of those lies adults always told you when you were growing up? Like how words don't hurt. Yeah - one of those.
So I was thinking about how society's stupid expectations cause phycosis in otherwise happy people today on the way home from work ... not infrequently, life starts to get to me, what with stress and all...and I feel like breaking down into tears. But I can't. I find myself simply unable to cry, even when I am MISERABLY unhappy, or upset, or even angry. I think the last time I cried, other than while laughing (which really isn't the same thing at all), was two years ago.
Not while in horrible pain, not while so unhappy I left the room....I simply can't seem to cry. Isn't that a shame, since supposedly it's supposed to be all kinds of cathatic due to hormones'n'shit. But that got me thinking. What is it, that we can not cry in public? Why is it more acceptable to scream in anger, or punch a wall, or simply walk out and leave, than to cry? Is it so wrong to admit human frailty?
Why do people see nothing wrong with taking a piss while talking to their insurance company on the phone, but are morally offended by the idea of nudity? Why is it 'okay' to object to a gay bishop, but not a black one? Why is it anti-american to object to countless (except that it isn't countless, thankyou mass-media!) deaths and pain for no good reason at all? Why the fuck would I want to be patriotic in the first place!?
There is so. much. that I simply don't understand. I don't ~get~ the rules to the game of life. I don't want to.
I don't want what I should want. When I should be happiest, I'm...not. I'm not sad exactly, and I don't think I'm depressed...
But it seems like life was more meaningful, more ~real~ before. Like I'm going through life, just making the motions, doing what I have to do. I want to do something, I want to be...something. Have I done anything lately that I'm actually proud or excited about?
Is there something wrong with me?
