rubyredrose

I've been thinking about the nature of life, lately. And depression, and suicide as well. Life is a journey. Depression is realizing that you're running, not being able to remember what you're running away from, or whether you're trying desperately to get somewhere. Only knowing that you've been doing so for a long, long time...and desperately needing to stop. The way my grandmom has lived her life, I realize, is running with her eyes closed - that way you don't see things you don't want to...and if you do run into something then, well. At least you'll have fallen and won't be running anymore. But I can't stop moving. If life is movement, then stagnentation is death (if you're not growing then you're dying). And if I must run, then I'll run with my eyes wide open, watching the sky. I may not be able to count every sparrows' fall, but if I am patient, I will see the sun rise and set. I will see the stars, the moon, and - if I am lucky - perhaps a shooting star.

On the topic of wildlife, I am happy to be a night person. If I were not, I would not get to, on a semi-regular basis, see rabbits, lizards, possum, armadillo, a grass snake, raccoons, and once, an owl. I may live in a pretty urban area, but I still got to see an entire flock of mallards in my front yard the other day. Last year I walked outside and saw a vulture sitting on the fence across the street. Doves, sparrows, grackles, blackbirds, mockingbirds, finches...and of course numerous "tree rats." Heh. I want to go dig out a bird book from my dad's library. And get a flora book of my own. There is a quiet joy in seeing, instead of a bunch of scrub, oak and cedar. In seeing, not weeds, but wheels of fire and thistle. And I realized how limited my knowledge in that area is, when I heard frog chirping and mentioned it. And the person with me didn't know they were frogs. I know exactly what that kind of frog looks like, because I've gone down to the water to find one, and see. But I don't know its name. I'd like to.

I am perhaps not the most interesting of people. I consider many of my friends to have significantly higher charisma, intelligence, and wisdom scores than myself. To put it in DnD terms. XD Growing up, teachers always said I was "bright but lazy." But...I like stories. I like watching how people are - inside, where it counts. Inside a person is not something you can see just by looking at their outside. It is not something you can see by reading their user info, or knowing their hobbies or interests. It is something you can only see, like an adam, by seeing how they affect things around them. By seeing the shape of where they've been. A human life spans an entire lifetime, and I've known a very few people that long. But if you're paying attention, if you care to...well...CARE about someone enough to not just "hang out" but instead to see them as they really are...you can catch a glimpse of who they are, inside. And despite the pain, the stress, the anger and "ugliness" that we all try to hide from the world, who you are inside is beautiful. I mean it, and I think that makes me unusual because most people don't seem to. Ugliness is a part of what makes us human, which I consider a treasure from powers "on high." Because it is who you are. I am told I see things in other people that others don't. I consider this to be not because I'm more forgiving or more tolerant of others' shortcomings, but instead because I bother to see the good that is there. It is okay to make mistakes, and it is okay to be angry, or sad, or jealous, or afraid. Because that's life. Because the tragedy of death is not the dying. It is the hole that is left behind. The missing link in the web of chains that bind us all together.

If you made it this far in my ramblings, and haven't decided I'm crazy yet...thank you for in any small way, letting me be a part of the story of your life. I know that my story is richer for having you in it, and I love each and every one of you for just that.