rubyredrose (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rubyredrose) wrote2003-11-03 02:56 am
rubyredrose) wrote2003-11-03 02:56 am
(no subject)
You know, I really think there must be something horribly wrong with me.
Because I have convinced myself, in my heart of hearts, that if I ignore it all, it will all go away. But isn't that one of those lies adults always told you when you were growing up? Like how words don't hurt. Yeah - one of those.
So I was thinking about how society's stupid expectations cause phycosis in otherwise happy people today on the way home from work ... not infrequently, life starts to get to me, what with stress and all...and I feel like breaking down into tears. But I can't. I find myself simply unable to cry, even when I am MISERABLY unhappy, or upset, or even angry. I think the last time I cried, other than while laughing (which really isn't the same thing at all), was two years ago.
Not while in horrible pain, not while so unhappy I left the room....I simply can't seem to cry. Isn't that a shame, since supposedly it's supposed to be all kinds of cathatic due to hormones'n'shit. But that got me thinking. What is it, that we can not cry in public? Why is it more acceptable to scream in anger, or punch a wall, or simply walk out and leave, than to cry? Is it so wrong to admit human frailty?
Why do people see nothing wrong with taking a piss while talking to their insurance company on the phone, but are morally offended by the idea of nudity? Why is it 'okay' to object to a gay bishop, but not a black one? Why is it anti-american to object to countless (except that it isn't countless, thankyou mass-media!) deaths and pain for no good reason at all? Why the fuck would I want to be patriotic in the first place!?
There is so. much. that I simply don't understand. I don't ~get~ the rules to the game of life. I don't want to.
I don't want what I should want. When I should be happiest, I'm...not. I'm not sad exactly, and I don't think I'm depressed...
But it seems like life was more meaningful, more ~real~ before. Like I'm going through life, just making the motions, doing what I have to do. I want to do something, I want to be...something. Have I done anything lately that I'm actually proud or excited about?
Is there something wrong with me?
Because I have convinced myself, in my heart of hearts, that if I ignore it all, it will all go away. But isn't that one of those lies adults always told you when you were growing up? Like how words don't hurt. Yeah - one of those.
So I was thinking about how society's stupid expectations cause phycosis in otherwise happy people today on the way home from work ... not infrequently, life starts to get to me, what with stress and all...and I feel like breaking down into tears. But I can't. I find myself simply unable to cry, even when I am MISERABLY unhappy, or upset, or even angry. I think the last time I cried, other than while laughing (which really isn't the same thing at all), was two years ago.
Not while in horrible pain, not while so unhappy I left the room....I simply can't seem to cry. Isn't that a shame, since supposedly it's supposed to be all kinds of cathatic due to hormones'n'shit. But that got me thinking. What is it, that we can not cry in public? Why is it more acceptable to scream in anger, or punch a wall, or simply walk out and leave, than to cry? Is it so wrong to admit human frailty?
Why do people see nothing wrong with taking a piss while talking to their insurance company on the phone, but are morally offended by the idea of nudity? Why is it 'okay' to object to a gay bishop, but not a black one? Why is it anti-american to object to countless (except that it isn't countless, thankyou mass-media!) deaths and pain for no good reason at all? Why the fuck would I want to be patriotic in the first place!?
There is so. much. that I simply don't understand. I don't ~get~ the rules to the game of life. I don't want to.
I don't want what I should want. When I should be happiest, I'm...not. I'm not sad exactly, and I don't think I'm depressed...
But it seems like life was more meaningful, more ~real~ before. Like I'm going through life, just making the motions, doing what I have to do. I want to do something, I want to be...something. Have I done anything lately that I'm actually proud or excited about?
Is there something wrong with me?
no subject
Human (and probably any vaguely sentient) society is a bit of a dog's breakfast. You start out with the intitial bunch of high ideals, but as you go along you become more & more aware that there's also a stinky pile of unwashed realities & prejudices mixed in there too. You end up with generous dollops of naivety & cynicism, with hearty chunks of apathy thrown in free (for those that care). Surrounded by such chaos, there's a natural tendancy for people to latch on to particular ideals & causes for comfort. Stuff which doesn't meet those ideals is at best, ignored as inconvenient, or at worse, treated with outright hostility. Why? Because it threatens the sanctity of the comfort zone in place. Never mind that one's own chosen set of ideals may well be trampling over someone elses...
But one needs those comfort zones to get on with living - otherwise it all becomes overwhelmingly confusing/stupid/annoying/unresolvable etc. Life can't be analysed to any real degree of satisfaction whilst one is still playing the game. Thats not to say one shouldn't analyse - but its unrealistic to expect to find any truely satisfying (non-hitchhikerian 42 type) answers.
You probably only find out what the official game rules are after losing that final boss battle, after which you get to see the fantastic CG end game cut-scene movie with the long white tunnel & the pearly gates with flashing neon 'GAME OVER' sign over the top. Until then, the only rules that matter are the ones that you believe in. They may turn out to be wrong, but there again, so might everything else. You just have to take your best shot, measured by your own beliefs & expectations. And since Life is a RIMMORP (Ridiculously Insane Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing) game, you get bonus points for playing without screwing with too many other people's games! (PK'ing is a SIN, brothers & sisters!)
I'll just address some points in reverse order here.
http://www.gamespot.com/gamespot/features/all/gamespotting/071103minusworld/1.html
As for the actual problem...
*smiles* I'm surprised that you forgot this, since you're the one who told it to me way back when: It's not you that's messed up. It's the world.
Like the man says, we each all have our own little worlds (comfort zones, what have you) that we inhabit.
If you want to stretch out of that and be something and do something really significant to the larger world.. Well, you shouldn't do that because anyone expects it, you should do it because you want to do so that passionately.
As for catharsis in public.. well.. I imagine with enough pen and paper and reasonable assumptions it could be reduced to a corollary of the survival technique: "Don't show weakness to predators."..
And I think you know as well as anyone else just how full of predators this world really is.
As for catharsis itself...
It seems to me that it's nearly impossible for you right now. I shouldn't say any more here cause you'll kick my ass, but ask me sometime.
(If you haven't already guessed where I would go with it.)